My Dad, Tyre, & Me

By Tina Strawn (she/they)

I'm missing my dad today

And I hate whatever god separated him from me

talkin bout i'm an abomination

when i am love

talkin bout i'm backslidden and have been turned over to a depraved mind

when I am actually love

talkin bout he can't be in relationship with me because I'm queer

when I was born in love

talkin bout I must repent from my evil ways

when I am the embodiment of love

I wish I could talk to him like I used to, back when he used to love me before he found out I was gay…

Daddy I miss you

Did you see the news

Those white devils in Black and “Back the Blue” skin

Lynched a young Black man in Memphis

And it was caught on camera

And the house of whiteness

Warned everyone about it

Like they never saw the video of Rodney King being beaten,

Like they never saw the murder of George Floyd

Like they never saw Emmett Till laying dead and disfigured in his casket

And the media announced it like a fucking featured movie release

And many of us turned our backs instead of turning our eyes to consume more violence against our beautiful Black bodies

Yours, mine and Tyre's

Did you watch the video Daddy?

Remember when me and Marlana were very little?

You had to hire bodyguards because you received death threats due to your civil rights work in Pasadena

And the marches and protests you led

Put

our lives

in danger

I remember the scrapbook Grandma Olivia kept of all the newspaper articles about you.

Speaking of racism. Boldly preaching about justice, equality, truth and reconciliation from your pulpit

The place where you pastored the oldest Black congregation in Palo Alto

I remember our Black History Month programs

Mom served faithfully by your side

the Director of Children's Education

I remember watching the choir march in

that little red church on the corner of East Kiest and Illinois Blvd in Oak Cliff

I remember when I got expelled from high school just weeks before my graduation

You showed up to defend me at my hearing at the Arlington ISD school board

And then again when I was pregnant with Adam and suffering from postpartum psychosis, and I spent 2 weeks in patient at that hospital in Fort Worth.

When I tried to check myself out AMA and the judge issued a restraining order to keep me there

you showed up to speak on my behalf, which led them to release me back home

to my husband, 3 year old Chelsea, and 1 year old Alexis

I can't help but to wish you would show up for me now

Even though I have no husband (and no wife anymore for that matter)

Even though I have locs and tattoos

And cuss a lot

And smoke a lot of weed

And share my bed with lovers of varying genders

I’ll never understand why your god cares so much about who I am fucking

or why can't I just ask you how you feel about what happened to Tyre

or how you feel about those Black cops

Not unlike the Black cops on the Dallas police force

When you started C.A.R.D. (Citizens Against Racism in Dallas)

Does your heart ache for Tyre and his family like mine does?

Daddy, I couldn’t take it anymore

So I left the Divided States of Amerikkka

I live in Costa Rica now,

In a studio pool house called Casita Colibri, which is Spanish for little hummingbird house

I live on lots of land, and there are two mango trees

I have no neighbors other than horses and cows

I have a cat that I named Alice Walker

it’s very peaceful here

the police don't bother us here

I like it and think I'll stay a while

If I wasn’t gay, would you come for a visit?

Daddy, do you remember when I called you, right after the officer that killed Philando Castille was acquited?

Remember how full of rage I was?

When you answered my call I was crying so hard that

I couldn't even get words out at first

That scared you

I finally let you know that me and the kids were okay.

nothing happened to us

Though, at the same time, we weren't ok

because nothing was ok that day

Just like nothing is ok today

Because they won't stop killing us

They just won't stop

You comforted me back then

soothed my aching heart like only a father could

I really needed that Daddy

I appreciate you for being there to hear my cries

If Mom were still alive

Perhaps she would disown me too

In the name of white Jesus

I just wish you could crawl down from that cross you’re strung up on

And let love loosen that religious noose around your neck and heart

And we could return to each other

Return to love

see one another’s holy humanity

In ways that the racist institutions of churches and policing

Won’t allow

I love me

And I love Tyre

And I love you

And I love Black people

maybe a futuristic kind of Black love

Can lead our Black bodies and Black hearts home to one another

I’ll be here waiting

loving on as many Black folx as I can

Cuz that feels like freedom to me

I just wish I could talk to you about Tyre

Who could’ve been the Black son you never had

Instead of the queer Black daughter that you did have

One day Daddy,

I believe we will all be free

You, and me

And all of us who look like Tyre