Surviving Toxic Family During the Holidays
By AHUS Staff
As the youngest of four from a two-parent household, I take pride in being "the baby." It's the only part of my identity that allows me to be forever precious, young, and soft. Also, played. The baby is cherished for being the youngest of the lot, but failure to see past that "adorable stage" can mean not being treated as the fully grown humans we become. Also, my family can be assholes sometimes.
"Damn, you greedy!" my brother would yell as I fixed my Thanksgiving plate.
"We're all proud of your career. But, when are you going to… settle down?" My dad loved to ask.
"Why you don't do your hair no more?" mom quizzed while plucking the tip of my curls.
I love them tenderly, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that my family knows how to tap dance on my nerves. My emotions were limp noodles by the time the sweet potato pie hits the table.
"Don't spend the holidays with your family" is the easiest solution. It would save me from the onslaught of unsolicited advice and intrusive feedback. But the truth is, I enjoy their company. They aren't all bad. For example, the brother who calls me greedy is the same one who will stay up late and smoke blunts with me after breakups. He'll make fun of whoever broke my heart until my tears of grief become tears of laughter. And my parents, while hyper-critical, have always been deeply supportive and encouraging of my ambitions and lifestyle.
I still want to punch them in the throat during the holidays, though.
I've tried various strategies to minimize harm and conflict. Laughing it off only prolonged the pain, leaving me to sob silently on my way home. I opted out of going high when they went low, crawling below the belt to hit them where it hurt. While there would be a momentary satisfaction, I'd still find myself licking wounds and regretting harsh words spoken.
Finally, I surrendered to the reality that these people, my people, could not and would not change. I was the only person I could control when engaging with them. I'd have to own that control and use it for my betterment. While our dynamics continue to shift and evolve with time and age, the following steps have been crucial in protecting my well-being and the relationship I have with the ones I love…
The boundary belongs to you. The response is all theirs.
Expressing a feeling during a conflict can sometimes turn into a cross-examination. Suddenly, the offensive thing said to you wasn't offensive because "I meant it like…" or "you took it wrong." Next thing you know, you're so gaslit about an experience that harmed you, you begin feeling like you have to prove that you’re right and the other person is wrong. Here’s the thing: you don't.
Some will have an unsavory response to your truth; that's their business. Don't let someone's attempt to invalidate your experience prevent you from acknowledging it and advocating for yourself. There's a good chance that whatever family member you're dealing with gives you their maximum emotional and intellectual capacity. Please make a note of it, but don't take it personally.
Create a Gameplan BEFORE You Pull Up
It's a family tradition to have a huge seafood dinner to end the year on New Year's eve. Dinner is served at 7 pm, drinking starts at 4, and the ball drops at midnight. The house is filled with unpredictable chaos by the early evening.
I like to show up at around five and take photos with everyone while we're still in the soberish phase of the evening. Then, I'll have some drinks and "go to the store" with my nephews (code for, "We about to smoke weed in the garage.”) However, when the ball drops, you'll likely find me at home in my bonnet with a glass of Champagne. I love a good time, but I'm not letting those niggas ruin my new year.
Be the first to arrive and the first to leave. Arrange a carpool situation with another cool family member so you can flee together. If you're flying into town, arrange to stay with the least problematic family member. Consider the steps you can take to minimize the drama before getting there.
Hit 'em with a PSA
"I don't want to hear about what's on my plate, who's in my bed, or what's growing out of my head!" This was the announcement I made when walking into my parent's home on Christmas eve of 2019.
Sometimes you have to pump the brakes before they get a chance to start the engine. Fear that they won't cross the line they've always proven to cross only sets you up for the slow burn of anxiety that accompanies the eventual insult. So let it be known early that your relationships, finances, body, and other personal affairs are yours to share and discuss as you see fit.